Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Minister, I've had it up to HERE with bureaucratic nonsense

I received this by email from a friend, and it's said to be an actual letter sent to the former Australian Minister of Foreign Affairs, The Hon. Alexander Downer and the then Immigration Minister, The Hon. Amanda Vanstone.

It is said that the government tried desperately to disappear the letter, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! Please excuse the language, but we suspect the author was upset. I can relate to it because of recent government forms that I've seen that must be filled in -- some by me, some by my loved ones. I spent 7 hours trying to find my birth certificate for a government department that already had a copy of it, Xeroxed only 18 months ago! These nongs are driving us all crazy and it's about time the bureaucracy was cut down to size. This bloke's letter helps:

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also, would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!... SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo... that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense. You Would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo...the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ... you fucking morons.

An Irate Australian Citizen

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know ... someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!! ... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all fucking idiots.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

If by chance you are a naturalised citizen, never and I mean never, ever lose, misplace, place in trust your Evidence of Australian Citizenship. Don't go thinking in a naive manner that other people might remember the Australia Day handshake by the local member.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Pip,
I wonder about the provenance of this story. Check this site for a slightly different version of the same thing:



12:05 PM  
Blogger Fignatz said...

Hi Pip

Yes, the kind of letter we'd all love to write. The trouble with all of our bureaucracies is that the people who work within them aren't allowed to think, or stray from rules set in cement. I was recently bemused by the special grant our Australian Government gave to Age Pensioners to stimulate spending and thereby somehow save the economy.

On the surface, fair enough. But I have in-laws (although because I'm in a 'de facto' relationship, I guess they should be called out-laws), who are wealthy enough to be able to hide massive monetary assets and thus qualify for an Age Pension they don't really need – their declared worth appears on paper to be just low enough to ensure that they receive a pointless pension of six bucks a fortnight, which means they're eligible for medical concessions and so on.

But here's the thing: Because they're technically Age Pensioners, they got back from a couple of months doing Europe first-class-all-the-way just in time to spend the couple of grand the Government was handing out to ALL Age Pensioners. Meanwhile, many older people who rely exclusively on their pensions were wishing it was just a few bucks more per week, and some poor unemployed git was being tortured by the very same bureaucracy for not declaring twenty bucks he might've earned mowing someone's lawn.

But rules is rules, right?

1:43 PM  
Blogger Pip said...

Well spotted!

1:59 PM  
Blogger Pip said...

My "well spotted" comment was for Anonymous (above). Your comments, Fignatz, are very apt and right on. Thanks for pointing out these things.

2:14 PM  

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