Ah, sweet mysteries of life

Why do spammers have such limited imaginations? Or, why is their stock inventory so limited?

Of the millions of products made and sold in the world, almost all of them unnecessary and demanding the exchange of sweat for shit (which has always seemed to me a bad bargain), why are those sold by spammers skewed into a remarkably small number of types? This is a mystery that has baffled me for the ten or so years that the bastards have been spamming me.

The overwhelming majority of spam consists of ads which no one reads, for products that no one wants: impotence cures, member enlargement, pharmaceuticals, software and wristwatches. I'm sure that anyone who wanted any of those things would just pop down the street and buy them, except, I suppose, for the member enlargement stuff (chutzpah has its limits even in the big city) but who on earth would believe that the spam for that is genuine? I mean, give me a break. The only one I really understand is software, but it still intrigues me why they think I would send money to an obviously dishonest person, as a spammer is by definition. Do these pricks ever actually get a sale? It seems impossible to me, but what do I know?

But back to the narrow range of products. I admit I don't have the pecuniary gene, but why isn't there spam for bathroom tiles? What am I missing here? Or any number of things; take for example: candles; keyrings; Barbie dolls; Zippo lighters; rare Coke bottles; T-shirts; wine; diaries; shoes; hearing aids; books (I think I sort of get that one); car seat covers ... and the rest of that propaganda consumer shite?

Then there's wallets; washing powder; pens; lightglobes; cufflinks; batteries; ambergris; old masters; doghouses; curtains; vases; anvils ... I mean, with regard to anvils, don't tell me it's only very light things that can be sent through the mail, because obviously no one believes that the spammers will actually send anything if you fork out money, because they've already established that they're bastards. And gemstones are light too but I've never had a spam for emeralds or opals. So, like, why?

Maybe all the spammers come from the same very small warehouse? My guess: Just outside Moscow.

I've never worn a wristwatch. So that's what people always like to give me as a gift. "Poor Pip Wilson, he don't have a watch. Did you see that wrist of his, Kevin? Poor bloke."

I do, I do! I have two-and-a-half drawers full of the bloody things, all gifts. And an email box full of ads for even more. I don't get it, I really don't. What's with telling the time, anyway? We're surrounded by clocks -- it's a Swiss dream nightmare. We swim in horology like herrings in the sea. I don't wear a watch and I annoy people because I'm anally punctual. Would anybody actually buy a watch? Over the Internet? They come in cereal boxes for free. You get a box of watches and a free cornflake.

As for member enlargement, I guess the majority of men wouldn't mind that. Most men would like bigger dorks, most women would like bigger norks. But pay for some cream to rub on the knob in some vain hope? They must be kidding, or extremely sad, sad salesmen with a room full of stuff they can't move. I wish that they would rub the whole lot of that goop over their flaccid, purrilent, pale Muscovite flesh and tug themselves to death. Or come down under and die of fright when they see a fair dinkum Aussie beach chubby, which is all the rage since parents started feeding their daughters Chicken With Hormones.

People worry that spam will take over the Net, but take my word for it, these imbeciles are on the way out of business. The basic building block of the Universe is stupidity, but not that stupid.

God I hope I'm not wrong. I need to trust that business is out to rip me off with intelligence. That's what made the West great.

Tagged: spam, internet