I wanted to be a Leap Year Day Baby but my mother went and had me exactly a year late. Typical. With my birthday just around the hump, I have been thinking about what I would like to get as a present.
For Christmas some woman gave me a bunch of little plastic tubes of men's toiletries that I suppose she got for free for spending a few thousand dollars on female cosmetics. One of the 15ml tubes is called Nivea for Men Double Action Face Wash, Vitamin Enriched. That means "soap". In fact, it's not even soap, it's detergent. You could wash your dishes with it if you could bear eating off plates that smell like Belsen.
The list of "vitamins" on the back of the tube is so long they've had to print it in about minus 6-point type, and I can't read it even with my glasses on, but I think I can make out a couple of words: "Phenoxyethonol", and "Methyldibromo Glutomonitrite", or something like that. I only read that after I'd used it once because I'm a cheapskate and the stuff was free. Of course, the whole box and dice, every damn tube, is now in my garbage bin but now I feel guilty about polluting the city's landfill. One of the tubes is something called "Shower gel" and it says it "Turns water into care". Harrr!! Who writes their shtick? And it does that with a half-life of only 50,000 years. The shower gel, too, has a list of about 50 Frankenstein vitamins on the back in minus 6-point type. I'm turning detergent into garbage. I'm turning crap into ex-crap. Bye-bye, gel.
Do people really buy stuff like this? I suppose they must. I'm scared what shite I might get for my birthday again this year. One person, over the years, has given me seven (count 'em, seven!) watches. I guess because they notice that I never wear a watch, that would be the perfect gift for me. Or they somehow noticed I have a vast watch collection in a box under my bed so they know exactly what to get me.
This site has a list of bad Christmas presents, but I couldn't find a list of bad birthday prezzies. I should write one some day, cause I know a bit about it.
Last year I got one great Chrissie prezzie though, and that was from Baz le Tuff. Le Tuff and Mister Peg, two old frinds of mine, give good gift. He gave me a glass ashtray on which he got someone to engrave on the bottom a picture of Whiteman walking with the Yeti. Anything Robert Crumb is good, and Whiteman and Yeti particularly so. I'd like an Angelfood McSpade ashtray too. You can never have too many ashtrays, and you can never get enough Angelfood McSpade. A Snoid biscuit tin would be nice, and I really need a Flakey Foont that nods its head. Le Tuff, are you reading this? I know he is. He does a lot, but he never leaves comments. Aloof. A lurker. I wish I could be cool like that. I always leave comments on people's blogs, can't help myself. I like getting the click-back I guess. Mr le Tuff doeesn't have anything to click back to, at least, nothing he will allow the world to see. I think it might be a legal consideration.
When people ask me what I want for my birthday, I say I want them to give the money to Amnesty International or Worldwide Fund for Nature. Sometimes that works and you get something really good.